You might have thought you’ve seen it all on Vanderpump Rules, but in this episode, we get a sperm donor party, where Lala is given assistance picking out her “baby Daddy.” A new podcast where Rachel opens up gets the group talking, and Sandoval appears to be the hardest hit due to some of the comments. It doesn’t stop there for Sandoval — Scheana‘s new song is an ode to Scandoval (but is based on interpretation), once again dragging Sandoval’s name through the mud.
Just when you thought you could get “Good as Gold” out of your head, 10 years later, Scheana is back… with the emo version. Because this absolutely needs a music video, Lala and Ariana are there to help as they dance around a jewelry store for the cameras. Scheana is annoyed that Katie is “sick” (aka trying to avoid Lala due to their recent conflicts) and won’t be in attendance, but that doesn’t stop the girls from shooting an epic video for Scheana’s “famous” song.
In the meantime, it appears as though Rachel thinks she has a platform and is using a podcast to tell her side of the story, which essentially means she mainly bashes Sandoval. Is it a last effort for her to try and save face? Ariana is mad that Rachel is claiming on the podcast that she’s just an acquaintance of hers despite all of the time they’ve spent together. Scheana doesn’t like that Rachel said she had a “savior complex,” yet Rachel barely contributed to the rent, never bought toilet paper, AND had sex in her bed. Yikes.
Rachel is really ticking a lot of people off by talking on this podcast, and James understands that he’s gotta move on, primarily with Sandoval. Sandoval has invited him to open for his “band,” a term I will loosely use, and so James needs to figure out if their friendship is worth saving at the end of the day.
Lala’s sperm donor party is coming up, and she essentially invites herself to host the party at Ariana’s… but since Ann, the ex-assistant, has been gone, the house has gone to sh*t. Think chicken satay skewers left on the nightstand x 100. Lala has high hopes for this party because she wants to bring the baby into a world of love, and so she decides to simply ask LVP to use her home. But many wonder if Katie and Lala will be able to work out their differences before this special day.
Schwartz still has his bleached hair, but he has lost Jo. Sandoval pays him a visit to talk about himself, and he claims to be shellshocked since Rachel went on the podcast and said she was never in love with him. Sandoval thought one day Rachel would appreciate all the hard work he has done on himself, and he cannot believe that she feels as though she got the brunt of this Scandoval. Sandoval goes on to say he would do “anything” for Rachel, so for her to say she never loved him really hurts.
LVP rolls up to TomTom in the wake of a new brunch plan. Sandoval is ALWAYS late, and of course, Schwartz tries to use the recent Rachel podcast as an excuse to cover for his boy and his tardiness. When Sandoval finally gets to the restaurant, he can barely muster an apology to LVP, and Schwartz gives them some time to talk alone. Sandoval explains that he listened to the podcast because he wanted to know what was being said about him, and now he is devastated by Rachel’s words.
When LVP asks him about the house, we learn that Ariana has accepted Sandoval’s offer, but because she took so long to get back to him, he is now on the fence about what he should do. LVP says that he should just sell it and move on — a wise move financially and emotionally.
If you’re wondering why Lala slides into TomTom, it’s because she needs a favor from LVP. With incredibly short notice, Lala asks if she could use LVP’s house for her sperm donor party. LVP gives her blessing, and so the event will go on… but wtf, if she said no, Lala would be really screwed considering she’s already hired caterers, told people about the event, etc., etc.
Scheana and Brock go over to Ariana’s to help her clean up the house because it’s an absolute disaster, and Scheana doesn’t want Ariana to spiral into a dark place. Ariana can hardly believe that Sandoval is now getting cold feet about buying out the house after being so stubborn for all those months, and she complains about being right all the time.
Scheana excitedly talks about her new song, “Apples,” which is about Rachel, but it now has some new lyrics added alluding to Sandoval. Scheana claims this to be very therapeutic, but it’s also very shady… and entertaining.
Dear God, the scene where Sandoval is singing… I will never get those 20 seconds of my life back. James heads over to the band practice, and the dudes chat about Rachel. Sandoval realizes he has cared way more about her than she did him and believes that she “used” him and then “threw” him away. Sandoval is mad he didn’t get any closure and tells James that she was selfish throughout their relationship, too. James reminds Sandoval, “She got with you because she was not quite over me,” and he believes that their “relationship” was just a “f*ckfest.” Sandoval denies this completely, and James calls Sandoval out for rewriting history in his mind. According to James, Sandoval can’t let go of the past. He tells Sandoval he won’t be opening for him because his band’s a joke… andddd he’s not wrong.
It’s the day of Lala’s sperm donor party at Villa Rosa, and she is amped. She feels so lucky for the support she’s receiving, and even Katie is there. Ally talks with Katie and mentions how Lala said she has seemed miserable lately, and this rubs Katie the wrong way, of course.
While the sperm party pops off, we meet Sandoval’s new assistant named, Craig, and let’s just say he is not the Bravo Craig we are used to. Sandoval talks with Schwartz about keeping the house if he had a roommate, hinting that Schwartz could live with him for a cool $6,000 a month. Schwartz is very against this, but Sandoval seems to think it’s a great idea, much like he does with any of his ideas.
Lala gets tearful talking about how this is not how she pictured her life, but she knows she is a good mom and she wants to expand her family. After a rousing game of pin the sperm on the vagina, the guests begin the process of picking out Lala’s baby daddy. They peruse the binder and they all agree on donor number one. The plan is that Lala is hopefully due by August/September.
Ally talks to James about Lala’s sperm party, and then she broaches the topic of babies with James. James states that he sees babies in their future, but Ally says she never felt “called” to be a mother nor does she think about marriage. James sees that life for himself, but worries because his “love chapter” isn’t as cookie-cutter as he wants it to be.
Sandoval looks like he raided Ariana’s side of the house for the first TomTom brunch. James comes to apologize to Sandoval, and he remembers that he has to be the bigger person in this situation. He heads off to set up the DJ situation, and the brunch is brunchin’. Katie outs Ally tattling on Lala about the “miserable” comment, and Lala explains what she really said. She doesn’t want to trigger Katie, but Katie feels like Lala’s softness is going to less deserving people. Lala explains that friends go through things, and she doesn’t know where she fits in since Katie and Ariana have gotten closer. Katie doesn’t like that Lala feels like Katie doesn’t have time for her, but points out that friendship should be an effort, not an obligation. They manage to make up, yet again, and things seem okay.
It seems like the TomTom brunch is really giving the good vibes. Sandoval is really pushing this rooming with Schwartz thing, and Scheana checks in with the Toms on her way to the bathroom. She hears Sandoval’s sob story about the lack of closure with Rachel, and she tells him how she wrote a song about the affair, but it’s “open to interpretation.” She talks about Sandoval going from something gold to something not… and Sandoval storms off since he thought he was starting to make amends with Scheana. Sandoval is p*ssed that everyone “keeps cashing in on his misery,” and Scheana acts surprised that this song would lead to such anger…